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Having a bad day, a really bad day...

From my facebook coz I'm too tired...

You know how badly you've been coping and how pathetic you are when you finally have spoons to sort out kitchen cupboards and sit sobbing on floor when you finally realise that the collection of irreplaceable ice cream tubs you up-cycled and used for storage containers for 17 years have slowly been thrown away by your carer/cleaner and it has taken you months to realise. I had 20+ and now only 3. Every time a meal I froze was defrosted and eaten they must have been thrown away not washed up. I'm so stupid not to have thought to tell her. 2 weeks ago I started checking the rubbish but too late. Much too late. A sign I suppose. What makes me think I'm ever going to be well enough to cook from scratch and meal plan again. Might have well give up and carrying on eating the shit that is making me even worse

Really knocked me. I had 4 clear days with [BK] working almost full time to try to get back to coping and pacing and meal planning and cooking. But still sobbing and so depressed. Such a sign of the deterioration in my memory and communication and observation and IQ loss. I neither noticed their slow disappearance nor thought to explain they were never rubbish. I know they are just bits of plastic but they were important to us. A history of cooking and family and the small company's designs too.

Can I just say once I had a photographic memory, super organisation skills and an IQ well over 150. I sometimes think I've lost more than I ever knew. For a long time I coped beyond expectation with increasing disability and exhaustion and pain and an unsupported and many years undiagnosed autistic daughter with ADHD. I seriously think only [] knows what I've lost in my mind.

Numb with grief now, tears dry, shut down half done but I have no one to talk to so that doesn't matter. Soup decided on using veg in fridge. Banana and cup of tea. Will take long time to recover from loss of both containers and their history and a new light on the loss of my mental reasoning


So self-piteous I hate myself! But there you go... Apologises for all you lovely people who got back to me on LJ on my last entry. I feel so drained and depressed and the pain levels have been off the scale - combination of not enough or the right support in the home and a daughter falling apart at the seams at home but trying to keep it together in her theatre classes and part time jobs. the meltdowns, the teenager strops, the constant chatter or the constant being ignored really robs all my mental and emotional spoons. to every person who told me when she was small it will get better - YOU WERE WRONG!!! An ADHD toddler with autism steals physical and mental spoons but not emotional ones and certainly not hope...

You know what is crazy - I struggle to meal plan and forget how to make a cup of tea, sound vibrations trigger seizures, lifting a few bits of washing up of rubbish leaves me indescribably exhausted or in pain, I feel almost suicidal for a few moments after some of my daughter's female teen plus autism hate you rants, but, as long as I'm well enough to write, I can (mostly) carry a complex two AU temporal all over the place, fic... or maybe not, as I've not written Crossing china for days and the last chapter of Poisoned Minds awaits.

Can someone talk fannish stuff to me, or foody stuff, or tell me what they think of my writing - someone distract me, please...?

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( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
flowerpotgirl
Oct. 7th, 2017 10:13 pm (UTC)
You haven’t lost IQ points, you’re just too tired to use them. Some days I forget words and can’t even face reading the paper, but others I can complete fiendish level Sudoku and I was on the winning team both times we played Scrabble on a family holiday (don’t say coincidence).

Look at your post - clearly written, coherent and well-phrased. And your stories are brilliant and complex and gripping.But when fatigue is overwhelming and everything seems such an effort, it is easy to forget that.

Honestly, although I get how you feel about them, the storage boxes can be replaced. They won’t be the same, but they will be new memories and experiences.

Daughters can be a great blessing, but they are also irrational, hormonal and emotional, especially as teenagers and when it’s the two of you home together it must be difficult not to push each other’s buttons. It does get easier, but not necessarily easy and it takes time to refine your relationship as they grow into adults. And we’re none of us perfect so you have to expect things to go wrong and fights and silences and wondering where you went wrong (nowhere, you’re just human). They put guilt and worry in when they remove the placenta, you know.

Something reminded me of the Boat Race earlier and a short fic about a pub quiz with Hooper, have you read it? No idea what it’s called or anything useful, I’m afraid.

🌷🌈 🍇 🏰 🎆 💜 🎶 - because some days I haven’t left the teenage me behind!

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