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me and the homeless

In 1992 my partner and I were evicted from our bedsit because he lost his job. We found a squat and where then thrown out violently. I was on chemotherapy. From June to November we lived in his car and snuck into Brookes Uni and used the disabled toilets in the Gibbs building (then the social science building)to wash before I went to the library or lectures and he went to work. In 1990 my step dad through me out when drunk and I spent three nights on the streets and several weeks sofa surfing before we found the place we were evicted from in 1992.

In 2000 me and the baby babyklingon fled domestic violence and was also evicted from the student flat we moved into in Nov 1992 as I had to take a break from my Masters. We'd lived their so long by combination of part time degree, his degree and teacher training and my MA. We avoided B&B due to physical disability and moved into a 'stage 2' temporary homeless house'. there the council left us and forgot about us until the owner wanted his house back, and for 3 months we had no idea but we ended up in the HA we are now. For the first year every day I got up I thanked God for the home no one could take away. David Cameron's govt took that security of permanence away.

I'm mostly housebound these days. I get out into Oxford city centre away from my noisy scary neighbours rarely. These are my facebook status updates about the people I meet when I wander about the beautiful city full of dreaming spires and rough sleepers...

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On a personal update - BK saw her neurologist Tuesday after a years wait since the last appointment (and a few things like EEGs and MRIs) - she is going to refer her for memory assessments, which is needed but a foot in the door, will try to get ENT to provide more vestibular balance physio therapy as they refused and asked for her permission in a case she is presenting, a how her life is been put on hold as apparently you get kicked out of paeds at 16 but most adult services cannot be accessed until 18! Anyway, progress of sorts, as in it could be the fall down the stairs, the constant head banging from primary school, a combination of restructuring of brain/psychosomatic due to her father abusing her (and me in front of her) or all three. But she needs support and help living with it, like CBT and/or mindfulness as well as the physiotherapy, all of which she is technically too young to access...
Got letter from DWP literally out of blue. Work Capacity Form. Did one of those when transferred to ESA and put into support group with out Atos medical. Literally no support services in south oxfordshire left apart from CAB to help. On mental or emotional spoons left at all. Can't do f all most of time. Lie in bed waiting to go to loo or make tea etc. In on bus adventures only to prevent serious stage meltdowns due to state of house and body. Make me more physically ill though. They're gonna put in in work group aren't they and leave me to slowly starve or tip over the edge and kill myself. Wish I was dead. Really do. I'm no use to BK anymore. Seizure last night made things worse for her. Except she'll be homeless without me. So have to go on somehow. But after BK's PIP I've no fight left. Why don't they just gas us and be done with it. I've no doubt a nice referendum would give them the 'mandate' no problem. Daily Mail's full of lies, hate and blame of the sick and disabled already.

Also, on the subject, last 3 times I have gone out of the house I've been the victim of low level disabled hate. Teens finding wheelchairs funny. Drunks threatening to be sick on me. Drunken idiots at 4pm finding wheelchairs funny and demanding I explain myself. 2 mins after this lot harassed me they threw rubbish and larger over a woman in a hijab with a buggy. BK has spoken to police. Sign of the times sadly.

But, as for what the Commons chose to do yesterday, despite the Lord's attempt at protection with their rejected amendments, I am disgusted. "Freedom is like air. You only miss it when it's gone." So said a democracy campaigner from Tianamen Square over 25 years ago. We're currently breathing more CO2 than oxygen. Some of us more than others. How long til we all notice we're suffocating? Human rights can't be taken away as a bargaining chip. Words cannot express how disgusted and ashamed I am with my country right now.

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday moth2fic
I hope you have fantastic day doing things you love with your loved ones and get to eat plenty of cake :)


advice please

I'd never thought I'd miss my neighbours so much - the alcoholic drug dealer and her shouting and her teenage mother for a daughter, or the lovely but weird couple and their 5 noisy boys and their chain smoking, and certainly not the ex prostitute who was an ardent UKIP supporter (why, I have no idea, as she was disabled and her history, well...). all 3 houses in the two semis were completely refitted (say rebuilt inside!) before going onto the market at 'economic rent' and the new people are all very quiet (nice) but very judgemental and do not so much as smile, blank us when we say hi, and even walk in and slam the door when they see us. Today BK suggested they think we're the druggies. So, feeling so isolated and alone, more so now since I was attacked in Abingdon and lacking any confidence since my fall, I thought, what is I write a note introducing us and explaining a bit why we seem so housebound and are still in pjs all day and why sometimes there is shouting. It can't make matters worse, can it? Please, someone help me decide how to approach this. the days of smiley, chatty aparagusmama are gone, and it's bad enough having the stranger spit out 'scrounger, you should all be in a camp' in the supermarket, without feeling the next door neighbours and the other near neighbour are thinking it. If they are, no harm done, and I'd rather be hated fro being disabled than being something I'm not and never have been. I may have been married to a drug addict, but I've not used drugs and I'm teetotal. I don't use cope with caffeine!

the letter...Collapse )

So? If I send it to the 3 couples, is it weird? Will they think any worse of me? Or will it do no harm or might even help me feel less isolated and hated?

Sep. 28th, 2016

I so badly want to write. I'm full of ideas but then I forget them as I'm too exhausted to jot them down and my memory isn't what it once was. This 2 weeks in the caravan was supposed to be partly for me to finish Poisoned Minds. I'm desperate to. I printed out the rest and was in awe. Did I write that? Was I that good? My comprehensive plot notes make no sense to my foggy mind. Then BK's anxiety is thru the roof but I'm too exhausted to handle her properly. Her stress and fear comes out as aggression and I'm just afraid of her and I cry. Then my country has changed. All my case fics, the whole series, are rooted in a multi cultural, multi ethnic, multi national, open, tolerant, and accepting place, the most mixed and anti racist in the world. Turns out half the population were pretending. I want my country back as much as I want my mental and emotional spoons, few as they were, back. Apart from the very painful pinch hitting with BK's script and plot notes on her Women of Morse, I've written nothing for nearly a year. I tell I lie, I started a SF piece, which when BK came home and interrupted and would let me finish my thought, and the pieces inspired by the Peter Grant books, which no one has read on here, so I assume is shit. So, although I'm desperate to finish Poisoned Minds, and Bk wants me to, as do the 1000s of readers I assume, I'm too afraid. What if I start and BK becomes demanding of my attention/meltdown/falls/blackouts and I just lose it? What if I write then turn into a gibbering wreck later on in the day due to loss of mental spoons? What if I'm shit now? Or people are ooc? But I need to write. Since I lost J as a carer, had flu, had the seizures, dealt with BK's PIP, struggle to sort house, been a victim of 3 hate crimes now since the referendum, I am going crazy with stress. There is no me time. But there is also no meals cooked or a clean or tidy bit of the house - we eat rubbish and live in mess and chaos - and essentially my daughter is a mess. Nearly 3 years of vertigo but mostly that fucking PIP phone call and form filling and Atos assessment followed by mummy going crazy dealing with the appeal has undone all the progress we've made with home education. She is anxious about everything, can't cope with most things and is deeply depressed about her lack of exams and opportunities. She was in and out of the JR the week before we travelled, for stress, sleeping and the an ambulatory EEG. The glue has pulled out some of her hair. But basically, this should have happened over 2 years ago. Or more like 4. Then the symptoms would never have got that bad. But the lies from the social worker led the original referral dismissed as my anxiety, not even hers! Funny how all her GP and hospital notes from June 2010 to July 2012 and Oct 2010 to Nov 2012 are completely missing! Still makes me so angry. And we're still paying the cost. It was my birthday yesterday. A big one. I got 4 cards, slightly less that half of my facebook so called friends and family posting on my wall and 2 of you lovely flist sending me good wishes. Nothing from my daughter as anxiety stopped her going out without me and vertigo stopped her baking a cake. But the thoughts and love was there. My only rl friend in my neighbourhood didn't even post on my fb wall. I sometimes think the last 3 years of extra ill health with both of us and the horrendous stress of trying to get any support, whether disability benefits or actual care in the home, has turned me into a horrible person no one likes anymore. I'm not sure I like me anymore. So, sorry for being a dreadful friend and for not writing, if you're waiting for me to finish. I can't insert a cut, but if I could, I'd tell you who did it. It's bananas, really.

My beautiful daughter

Is all grown up! A belated livejournal happy birthday to my big 17 year old babyklingon

And transfer is now complete http://archiveofourown.org/users/BabyKlingon/pseuds/BabyKlingon/works


Happy birthday!

To loves_books - I hope you have a fantastic day! xxx

belated birthday wishes!

I have missed more of my flist in my stress.

So, timberwolfoz, complexlight, fortesomniare, guinevere_81, princess_aleera and koscheisigma -
I hope you all, every one of you, had a fantastic day with loved ones, presents you wanted, and cake, and all your birthday wishes came true.

And I wish the same for you tomorrow ladyasprin

It was okay!

Thank you everyone who has sent messages and comments of good will, and who was thinking of me today <3

BK has has enhanced rate daily living and standard rate mobilitity with her PIP. I believe this means she will qualify for extra on the child tax credit too. Which means I can continue to pay for her tutor, her therapist, taxis when she is too till to walk/take the bus and not use my own DLA, so have money to pay for prepared veg, ready meals and takeways so we can eat a bit more than mostly chips and baked beans on toast :)

Thank you again.

The downside is there is no guarantee her disabled bus pass will be replaced when it expires on her 17th birthday, and given the stress and meltdown and self-harm that went on all night before she had to catch a bus before 9am on her own last week at the fear of talking to a bus driver, of asking for the correct fair, and worst of all, dealing with money and change, she won't travle alone and lose independance is we can't somehow find a way roung this. the only way is to contact Oxfordshire City Council and see if the anxiety and stress and the fact she just will lose her independence and has enhaunced daily living and standard rate mobility with no actual physical impairment. But I'm done fighting for disabled rights for now. it can wait til the end of August.

As for my own transfer, when I was givne an indefinite award of DLA - who knows, the UNCHR has issued its report on the human rights abuses of disabled persons over the past six years, and a new govt is dealing with it, perhaps we won't have to be reassessed, those of us who had been previously given it for life!

Happy birthday!

To fortesomniare

I hope you had a great day and all your birthday wishes come true




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