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A meme to distract me

(got this meme from smallhobbit)

How old are you? 52 going on 12

Tattoos? None, lots of closed up old piercings though, too exhausted to bother these days

Ever hit a deer? Nope, don't drive, hit a hedgehog once with my powered wheelchair though and felt awful about it for years

Ridden in an ambulance? Too many times to remember, once with blues and twos for me that I don't remember, then gain a week later for same thing (still don't know what), twice collapsed with ME exhaustion with new baby and parameds took one look at my **** of an ex and took me to hospital to be feed and watered and looked after a bit. Many, many times as a mum riding shotgun - allergic reactions, head injuries, seizures... Also, hospital transport ones to hospital out patients appointments for both me and daughter while my Mum was very ill for a year and unable to drive.

Sang karaoke? Never have, never would

Ice skated? Nope, see reference to wheelchair, and when able bodied and young, no opportunities

Ridden a motorcycle? Only pillion a few times as a teen and in early twenties

Stayed in hospital? Oh yes (surgery x3, above collapsed with exhaustion, the blues and twos after collapsing on bus and blood pressure fell, then again following week, wisdom teeth extraction bad anaesthetic reaction)

Skipped school? Too scared, off sick a lot though, doesn't that count, school thought so...

Last phone call? To my brother, in tears, in shock, almost suicidal over the denial of PIP to my daughter, a few hours ago

Last text from? My brother to say he'd be with me at 2 tomorrow, but I have 10s-100s a day as it's how my daughter and I communicated due to her auditory memory dysfunction

Watched someone die? Only pets :(

Pepsi or Coke? Neither, allergic to caffeine, stevia, aspartame, sodium benzoate, but regular coke only has the caffeine, so I'll pick that one :)

Favorite Pie? My mum's gluten free, dairy free corned beef pies, before diagnosis as a child, my Granny's apple pie

Favorite pizza? H'm, one that won't kill me, lol - Pizza Hut gf base with no cheese with peppers, jalapeños, red onions, olives and spinach is nice

Favorite season? Autumn, love the smell of the earth and the colours of the leaves and the crispness in the air, plus a whole new lot of wide eyes, bushy tailed freshers arriving in Oxford

Broken bones? Only the little toe

Received a ticket? Don't drive :p but obviously buy train and bus tickets, get tickets to show my daughter is in/stage managed/been chaperone off/written and directed for free :)

Favorite color? Blue, green, or purple, depending on state of mind and mood

Sunset or sunrise? Sunrise

PIP Appeal

My daughter didn't get PIP, seemingly coz she was there when she didn't go when she was 16. The judge back then said if she had gone he'd have given more points.
She didn't get it coz she pushes through disabling and crippling autism confusion and anxiety and severe vertigo and pain despite needing back up. If she sat in her room and never tried to engage (and was male too I bet) she'd have got it and if spent it all on weed and computer games and stayed in her room she'd have got it. Coz she tries and pushes herself and masks she didn't. And all the medical experts said she masks and hides her symptoms. The system punishes you for trying to over come your disabilities.
PIP now and she pays taxes for life later, no PIP and what, she's on ESA for life? What kind of fucked up system is that? (Mind you, same as school, give her the support and she'd have been great, but no, too much money to spend on her needs, better to lie about her needs and blame the mum as she is handily in a wheelchair)
She needs help washing and dresses a couple of times a week. She doesn't wash the rest of the time and wears same clothes day in, day out. She is at risk of falls and stumbling inder a car on the pth every time she is out of the house. She falls inside the house. She is anxious and afraid and does not undertand every moment she is out. She can't cook or remember to feed herself or manage her medication or therapy. She mostly can't bathe or wash her hair due to pain and risk of falls.
But coz she showed up to the appeal and coz she is going to college she is functioning fine. Apparently. Even if the care and support she needs is literally killing me by degrees which I willinginly give coz that's what Mums do. And if she didn't have needs she would be looking after me, not making me sicker, coz that's what children gladly do for their mothers. That's what families do, they love and support each other.
No love in the world can pay for transport and care and extra needs and therapy. No love in the world can get me out of the serious fucking debt I will be in now.
Come what may we will get her through the BTEC somehow, even if it kills me.
We are not in a good place right now. Only fear of hell is keeping us here

Happy (belated) birthday


Happy belated birthday. I hope you enjoy <3 x


Thank you for your prompt. I have so so enjoyed writing from Hathaway's pov again :)


I need help regarding my fic Poisoned Minds. I'm struggling with mental spoons, as you guys know, and may need DMCA take down notices done for me, or an explanation on what the hell this search has shown, so many businesses have my fic and quotes from it in the search...


From the sixth item, goes on for pages, with one site actually selling my work.

Help help help

moth2fic you might know what is going on with these businesses

owlbsurfinbird you were so kind to help me a few years ago

Is this why Poisoned Minds has 3 times the hits as everything else - it is often being stolen by bots and/or being used to mask dodgy stuff? Frankly, I'm scared

And I'm only on here, doing crazy searches in the early hours as I am frozen, pertrified, in a shut down, depressed, terrified, as I have been too brain foggy to do anything for my ESA reassessment, I am too brain foggy and prone to aggressive symptoms of seizures and panic to explain how ill I am to some CAB volunteer in just two hours to do the form and I am so so scared I will be taken out of the support group, and of course, I can't even attend interviews and courses and look for work, even for a week, let alone the months an appeal will take, so I will be sanctioned every week til I have zero income, lose housing benefit, lose the house, and end up on the streets with my daughter, like so many other chronically ill and disabled people are doing, especially in Oxford, or if I wasn't so scared of hell, I might kill myself asd 10,00s have since 2010 - or starve literally to death, unable to move on the streets of Oxford...

So much for distraction! Even in fan fiction there is no security and justice!
For all you guys who missed my presence - I'm off line trying to detox my mind and body to have mental, emotional and physical spoons to cope with the changes to Oxfordshire Social Care which will see them taking my entire DLA out of my account to put back in another account I can only access to pay for care I have been unable to find enough off and appropriate enough to risk all the money to pay for gluten free, dairy free, nut free, coconut free, additive, artificial sweetener and stevia free easy food and ready meals and takeaways, allergy safe cleaning products, disposable wipes and plates and cutlery when really, unimaginably bad, plus all the embarrassing incontinence stuff and other unquantifiable costs when every day to day living activity comes at cost and pain and exhaustion; another incapacity assessement with the DWP over my ESA to keep me in the support group while my own GP is still on maternity leave (the one I just spoke to was a cow and wanted to write about anxiety - I'm justifiable anxious, but I also can lie for up to 3 hours waiting to be able to move to do a wee, or I have an accident and lie in it, and I dream, of being able to brush my teeth daily, and I'm lucky to bath every other week and wash my hair once a month); plus still waiting for the mandatory reassessment on BK's PIP; the huge debt I'm in plus being a supportive mummy for BK as she begins this BTEC in performing arts and magicking magic money to pay for all the support she will need that the PIP should pay for (her entire left arm is a overlapping pattern of score marks due to the self harm following the loss of her PIP and means to pay her therapist, still, could be worse, she could be classically head banging, and after 3 TBIs causing the vertigo and balance issues, that doesn't bear thinking about!). If I get taken out of the support group we are screwed, probably homeless, possibly dead. It is happening to far too many people in Oxford anyway.

I won't give IDS and his successors the satisfaction, although quite frankly, I wish I was dead. But that's the thing about severe ME isn't it, it leaves you in the situation people with AIDS, cancer, MS, Parkinsons etc are at the end of their lives day in day out - so said many a scientist who researches the little understood hell my body has.

Anyway, missing from here, dealing with shit, not dead, not suicidal, wishing for an end of live with a nasty illness is not the same as suicidal.

Cards in snailmail appreiciated


Just a thought, but a clever woman, who avoids being executed for 1001 nights by talking, by telling stores, by talking science and medicine and philosophy, but always halts before the end to avoid being executed!
Who thinks they can always talk themselves out of any situation?
Who can not only talk the hind legs of a donkey, but persuade it to get up, arm itself and die defending everyone else from invading Daleks?
The Doctor.
Now we know :p
Just a thought...

Poisoned Minds

OMG! it's finished! I never thought I would do it. Can cross that off my bucket list. al-humduillah :)

Title: Poisoned Minds
Fandom: Lewis
Pairing: Hathaway/Lewis
Rating: teen, PG-13, YA
Warnings: canon type scene of crime descriptions, post-mortem descriptions, descriptions of dead bodies, drug-taking, drug-taking of canon character, references to childhood sexual abuse and child trafficking, all in canon type ways.
Summary: Lewis comes back from leave when he and James Hathaway are almost immediately called to a body. There he meets the wrath of Hobson, as for her this is her 21st victim and not the first, as Innocent supposes...
Who is cutting Oxford's underworld of heroin with an unknown substance? And for what reason? Can Lewis and Hathaway penetrate the murky, sad, desperate world of drug addiction and hopelessness to find what and who is killing off Oxford's addicts, including the Balliol student, son of an US Congressman?
Meanwhile, will Robbie and James' new relationship survive their living so closely and intimately in so squalid a room while undercover?



clarification of my last post

This started off as a reply to flowerpotgirl but grew too long.

Also, thank you sysann and moth2fic for you cyber hugs and support xx

Just to clarify my panicked rant. My care package is a direct payment to employ people for home help/domestic help for 6 hours a week at £10 per hour. I've not had people to fill that regularly now for over 5 years. 4 years ago my DLA went up by a pound so they said I was now liable to contribute that to the costs. So they took £5.85 from my account to put in back in the other account with the rest of the money from my direct payment. Six months ago it rose to £6.21. As I am never paying out £60 in care, more like between zero and forty over the past five years, I have been losing money. Now, regardless of circumstance, they will be acting as if they provide you with direct care with assessments on how much to give, and assessing you financial as if you were in a care home. Result, from 1st October they will be taking the entirety of my care element of the DLA to pay for care I do not have and cannot find. It will probably be easier to find a cleaner cash in hand, as probably the reason so many people never turn up after the interview is they find out I must pay them with a cheque and make sure they or I pay their tax. But I don't know how to end a care package. If they want to audit me, I have never had an invoice from anyone I've employed, although they tell you that you must. If my refusing a care package shows up on the Family and Child Team IT system too , I will have hell to pay about not caring for my daughter, etc, even though its my not her care package!

15 years ago, Oxfordshire County Council was the worst council in terms of funding and providing any form of care. obviously as everywhere else gets worse and more cuts are enacted, things will get dire here.

In essence, I have lost my care - as I cannot lose my DLA. I have complex dietry need, with multiple allergies, as does my daughter, and Oxfordshire Primary Care Trust no longer prescribe gluten free bread, and any safe ready meal costs a fortune and cannot be audited for, unlike if I could use Wiltshire Farm Food, for example. Also, what happens if the transfer from DLA to PIP is refused and I have to appeal? I will be on basic rate ESA - leaving me with between £4 and £20 to live on a week for everything apart from rent. I know of other people with wheelchairs etc who have had PIP refused when transferred from DLA. Or rather reassessed.

The irony is a care package will give evidence for my needs for a PIP a appeal. It would also access me a social worker to write a letter to submit for evidence at an appeal.

PIP/DLA is based on need. The council say they are meeting that need with their 'care package' even though you sort it out yourself, therefore they will take it. Whether I am finding care or spending it doesn't matter. If I don't spend it they ask for it back now, but don't allow me to keep all the years and months worth of £6.21s and £5.85s. This will be no different.

Bureaucracy doesn't care, but it does get it - it wants to cut and cut its budget and cut money anyway it can.

I can only deal with one thing at a time. I must be able to get out of my own house. I must get them to come back and fit an new accessible door frame. Then I must get my wheelchair mended after the damage done by the threshold and sill of the door, and hope it isn't too much, else I must fight again to get prescribed another chair from the Oxfordshire Wheelchair Service.

At some point I will hear about my daughter's PIP mandatory reconsideration, and it is a 90% cert refusal and that will mean an appeal.

They have finally begun the assessments of those on DLA for an indefinite period, so that is only a matter of weeks or months away now. I need to make a document that outlines in detail how I can wash, toilet, dress, feed, cook, walk etc, as unlike before, when I had an outreach worker from the carers charity, who came to my house for 3 hour sessions, and we would take 3 sessions if needed, and they knew me, I will get a two hour slot in an uncomfortable, barely accessible room with a CAB volunteer who won't know me. I've been meaning to do it for six months, but I've had so much else with leaks, damage, a break in, a carer having a breakdown and trashing my house...

Meanwhile, BK is self harming, suicidal, not coping with all she needs too, and I am to stressed and brain foggy to help. Things haven't been this bad with her since she was 11. Not long term. Obviously it's a combination of losing her PIP, the stress of wondering if she can cope with the course even if she gets the PIP back, and her father's recent sexual assault on her. It's not trivial. But he assaulted me too, so I'm not doing that well, either. I'm having flashbacks to my childhood abuse for the first time since I was in labour!

And we're nearly a £1000 in debt but the heatwave means I can't cook from the dried lentils and sack of rice, so it keeps going up and up. I've already used up the freezer and tin cupboard. Mum restocked my freezer, but half of it has listeria so we can't eat it! We've also run out of red lentils, so I have to have the spoons to soak the brown ones the night before and then be well enough to cook stuff from scratch.

I do intend to phone the social work team, not the finance team, and ask how I refuse a care package and say I would be better off employing directly from my DLA if the council intend to take it. But I have 7 or 8 weeks until the finance team will contact me and just under 3 months until the new policy begins. So it's mothballed for now.

As I said in my last post, I have no fight left in me. It's still true, no fight, I feel like I can no longer cope. But I will have to, won't I? I made friends with, supported, and seen too many chronically ill and disabled people live and die on the streets of Oxford over the last 2 years, to give in.

Lots of hugs back. Sorry to off load onto you. But it's hell! As you can read!

I can't fight any more...

From my facebook over the last 2 days:

1/ So. I get an incomprehensible letter that seems to say that they are charging the same for direct payments as they provide for home care and assessing your finances as if you are in a care home. The upshot is that from October they will take away £53.81 (nearly all of it) of my DLA to put in my care package account rather than £6.21 A WEEK! As since J, 3 and half years ago, left, I have been paying between zero £0.00 and the most £40 for my care when I can find someone I am mostly £6.21 week worst off so I think me and the Oxfordshire care system will part company. Just as I found a decent carer!!!! Better I pay direct out of my DLA if I can I think! Things just get harder and harder...

2/ It's 5.30 and I've not slept. I thought I could park the care package til they phone me on 31st August or later for a financial assessment and tell them I don't need one, I won't have a care package anymore instead, I'll employ directly with my DLA - the uncertainty and the weeks and months over the past five years I've been able to employ no one or the people I employ have been off sick and the hours are rarely fully filled, but I'm stressing now that no one I employed ever gave me a receipt or invoice as l been quite informal (for 4-7 hours a week mostly housework as you would expect) and now I'm stressing they are going to want it all back if I close it down with no invoices... then there is the small whisper of remembrance of a house filthy and untidy and washing piled higher than the fridge and I wasn't feeding us and that was when (BK) was 7 and at school and I was no where near as bad as I am now... But what happens if I am refused PIP when I am finally transferred, the council will be taking all that money, all the disability premiums would go as well as the DLA and I'd end up with about £4 a week to live on, and probably no carer either!!!! But then, a care package would be evidence with the transfer to PIP. And I'm still waiting for (BK)'s PIP mandatory reconsideration and if she doesn't get the PIP she won't be able to go to the performing arts course she got onto. I paid my NI and tax when I was well enough to work, I didn't ask to get this condition, I asked for help with my daughter for a decade, not neglect that led to her several traumatic brain injuries... why don't they just be fucking honest and gas us? No one cares, look at the poem about Nazi Germany, first they came for the disabled, but are they mentioned?! Two UN reports on the abuses of disabled human rights, but where is the Opposition and Media outcry? Sorry. ignore me. Oh, you probably are :p

How to get a stairlift when on low income

2004: Social Worker refers occupational therapist. OT assesses your need and tells housing association. Housing Association puts in stairlift (or, if in own or private property - landlord gets assessed by council, given grant, or owners get assessed, given grant. if on certain benefits, can all be done over the phone, with a click of a mouse from local govt to national govt to confirm you receive them. They can also help find company and deal direct if you need that)

2018. Stannah say it is condemned and not safe and unable to be repaired. they tell you HA keeps old ones in lock up to replace them. You make repair call to housing association. They take 3 weeks to get back to you to tell you that you need a grant to be given to them. You found OT. Get through to idiot. Make second call. Miss call back. Ring back and starts going through an entire assessment on the phone rather than get the message to the OT dealing with it. 2 months later you get assessed. you get a council letter telling you that your are provisionally not liable of costs. 1 month later Stannah comes to measure you up. 3 more months and an accountancy firm contacts you to say they are appointed by the council to verify your financial details (you get housing benefit and council tax benefit automatically each year as the same council computer talks to the DWP one to confirm you still get ESA, end off) but you say okay. you get a letter saying they are coming at 10.30 on the 20th June. they turn up at 9 am on the 13th June and bamboozle you with seven forms, take pictures of documents to prove you are in receipt of council tax benefit, housing benefit (paid by the council who 'appointed' them, ESA, DLA, rental agreements and letters from the HA (who get rent from the council directly, and they never wanted it confirmed before, they housed you with the HA when you were homeless, after all...). They come back this Monday with more forms as they had the wrong HA forms. Again at 9am. One of the forms confirms that their company gets 10% of the disabled refurbishment grant. So, my guess if this is an Oxfordshire thing and not a national thing and dear David Cameron, as PM, and next door constituency MP, has mates who own this accountancy firm, but I'm sure I'm wrong! This paperwork goes back to the council for them to decide if it is enough proof to tell them what they have known in their system since march 2003 and April 2004 (when they housed us and when we got the original stairlift) but as I actually have no rental agreement as the property has been sold on 3 times to different HAs I have no idea. Time is at least 2-3 more months to stairlift! Obviously Stannah and any other company doing any refurbishment work for disabled people must add 10% onto their quote to make sure they get the right amount, so this is certainly not about saving council tax payers money.

Welcome to the barmy world of post Cameron, almost post Brexit, Britain. A country run by Etonian idiots!



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