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Oxford and poverty!

So, my Lewis fan fic readers will know, sometimes I bang on about examples in my fics, and I know most of my Lewis fen sisters love the show due to fancying Laurence, Kevin or just love the beautiful dreaming spires or the 'Britishness', but being disabled and a single mother etc, I like a bit or reality with my prettiness and murders...

Here is why:


update and rant!

Firstly, I don't have cancer :D Sorry guys for not replying to your comments, it was a trying time and now I'm paying for it with my ME and other symptoms.

Meanwhile, after over 3 years I have an answer to the seizures - some are ME, but most are migraine, which is a thing, apparently, and the weird micro strokes post flu have not happened again, so I'm not suffering from TBIs, and they can't really explain it. I did say how I got lost in the system for years, as some dick kept seeing initial, surname and address and not checking date of birth, hospital number or NHS number... after my MRI and EEG BK had two MRIs, a CT, two EEGs, and one where she had to wear a mobile EEG for a week, saw 2 neurologists, saw 2 neuroscientists, and had mindfulness course for people with head injuries. Meanwhile every few months for over 3 years I sent an email to my neurologists secretary, who apologised and sent the complaint to appointments who did nothing. when I pointed out my daughter had the same initial as me and had been seen on numerous occasions I finally got an appointment with an immuno-neurologist but no apology or acknowledgement for appointments at the John Radcliffe. So, here is a name shaming, the appointments department for the Oxford University Hospitals Trust are idiots!

Now my rant cut and paste from facebook:

So wtf is wrong with people - went for a long walk/wheel a week ago to calm down after {BK} was being... an autistic teenager... and was out in the countryside a way (coz I'm a bumpkin from the Chilterns [Midsomer] at heart) and someone phoned the police and an ambulance. Because sure, it isn't great being in a country lane without a path, but no more dangerous that a legged pedestrian or a bicycle or a person with a child in a buggy. It was a lane, not even a B-road. I was just tucking into bushes to let people pass about to cross over to the sudden path the other side when they all turned up. Yesterday on the way back from Sainsbury, I was having a long text convo with a stressed {BK} and suddenly two police officers turn up as someone had phoned the police because I had been stationary on the pavement for quite a while (I checked the phone long and from first text received to last sent was 9 bloody fucking minutes!)
First they cut the charity support, then the benefits, then the care, meanwhile the tabloids and C4 and C5 with tory and UKIP politicians declare war on the scroungers and hate crime against disabled people goes up 213% in 4 years and the UN issues 2 reports into the violations of disabled human rights in Britain - but now, apparently, people can just feel its okay to phone the police for you existing, on your own, outside your own house, in a wheelchair.

Finally I don't want to tempt fate, as the appeal panel who made the crap decision that BK had nothing wrong with her have 28 days to appeal, but our request was upheld and the court have overturned their decision, meaning we will get a second tribunal to look at the medical evidence on her autism and vertigo, rahter than have to go to the high appeal court in Birmingham. the PIP means the university can access extra government money diretly to provide her with support, otherwise her autism and dyslexia might not get extra support, so never mind the money for extra help, we need the status of it. And for her own peace of mind, she has been self harming while pushing ehrslef stupidly denying the autism and the vertigo because she was told she didn't have the symptoms and was coping. They causes untold harm to her, more than the DWP suddenly taking it away. Anyway, this is still months away, and we might still have to go to high appeal if the panel appeal the court's overturning of their unjust decision!

Prayers and positive vibes or whatever is your belief system please.


Update on life

Good news: BK without telling anyone applied for a performing arts school and got an interview, and then an unconditional offer, and hopefully, God willing, is off to university in the autumn (small problem of being a private college so won't get the full student loan for fees, but has applied for a bursary, only 16 awarded nationally every year, but disabled single mum on benefits in social housing with own learning disabilities and head injury and mixed race ticks so many boxes for them... we are hopeful). Extra good news, even though it mean dropping out of the performing arts BTec diploma a year early, she has been told if she completes her playscript and does one extra module over the summer she is likely to get it in a year, most likely a distinction, due to all the modules she has already passed!) How's that for a girl with no GCSEs who could not cope with school due to her needs never being met or respected who then fell down the stairs and made academic home ed impossible? :)

Angry news: She did not win her PIP appeal, the panel were ignorant of autism and prejudice of girls with autism and had obviously made up their minds before they met us and put her through hell, made her really look at different she was and her struggles and then tell her there was nothing wrong. Had a bad affect on her mental health.

Scary news: in brief, I am on a fast track for investigations for cancer (which I am sure is a mistake, just a bug with a weird ME/CFS reaction, but...) I have my triage telephone appointment next Tuesday, I was referred last Tuesday. The speed of this in the NHS alone is terrifying...

A meme to distract me

(got this meme from smallhobbit)

How old are you? 52 going on 12

Tattoos? None, lots of closed up old piercings though, too exhausted to bother these days

Ever hit a deer? Nope, don't drive, hit a hedgehog once with my powered wheelchair though and felt awful about it for years

Ridden in an ambulance? Too many times to remember, once with blues and twos for me that I don't remember, then gain a week later for same thing (still don't know what), twice collapsed with ME exhaustion with new baby and parameds took one look at my **** of an ex and took me to hospital to be feed and watered and looked after a bit. Many, many times as a mum riding shotgun - allergic reactions, head injuries, seizures... Also, hospital transport ones to hospital out patients appointments for both me and daughter while my Mum was very ill for a year and unable to drive.

Sang karaoke? Never have, never would

Ice skated? Nope, see reference to wheelchair, and when able bodied and young, no opportunities

Ridden a motorcycle? Only pillion a few times as a teen and in early twenties

Stayed in hospital? Oh yes (surgery x3, above collapsed with exhaustion, the blues and twos after collapsing on bus and blood pressure fell, then again following week, wisdom teeth extraction bad anaesthetic reaction)

Skipped school? Too scared, off sick a lot though, doesn't that count, school thought so...

Last phone call? To my brother, in tears, in shock, almost suicidal over the denial of PIP to my daughter, a few hours ago

Last text from? My brother to say he'd be with me at 2 tomorrow, but I have 10s-100s a day as it's how my daughter and I communicated due to her auditory memory dysfunction

Watched someone die? Only pets :(

Pepsi or Coke? Neither, allergic to caffeine, stevia, aspartame, sodium benzoate, but regular coke only has the caffeine, so I'll pick that one :)

Favorite Pie? My mum's gluten free, dairy free corned beef pies, before diagnosis as a child, my Granny's apple pie

Favorite pizza? H'm, one that won't kill me, lol - Pizza Hut gf base with no cheese with peppers, jalapeños, red onions, olives and spinach is nice

Favorite season? Autumn, love the smell of the earth and the colours of the leaves and the crispness in the air, plus a whole new lot of wide eyes, bushy tailed freshers arriving in Oxford

Broken bones? Only the little toe

Received a ticket? Don't drive :p but obviously buy train and bus tickets, get tickets to show my daughter is in/stage managed/been chaperone off/written and directed for free :)

Favorite color? Blue, green, or purple, depending on state of mind and mood

Sunset or sunrise? Sunrise

PIP Appeal

My daughter didn't get PIP, seemingly coz she was there when she didn't go when she was 16. The judge back then said if she had gone he'd have given more points.
She didn't get it coz she pushes through disabling and crippling autism confusion and anxiety and severe vertigo and pain despite needing back up. If she sat in her room and never tried to engage (and was male too I bet) she'd have got it and if spent it all on weed and computer games and stayed in her room she'd have got it. Coz she tries and pushes herself and masks she didn't. And all the medical experts said she masks and hides her symptoms. The system punishes you for trying to over come your disabilities.
PIP now and she pays taxes for life later, no PIP and what, she's on ESA for life? What kind of fucked up system is that? (Mind you, same as school, give her the support and she'd have been great, but no, too much money to spend on her needs, better to lie about her needs and blame the mum as she is handily in a wheelchair)
She needs help washing and dresses a couple of times a week. She doesn't wash the rest of the time and wears same clothes day in, day out. She is at risk of falls and stumbling inder a car on the pth every time she is out of the house. She falls inside the house. She is anxious and afraid and does not undertand every moment she is out. She can't cook or remember to feed herself or manage her medication or therapy. She mostly can't bathe or wash her hair due to pain and risk of falls.
But coz she showed up to the appeal and coz she is going to college she is functioning fine. Apparently. Even if the care and support she needs is literally killing me by degrees which I willinginly give coz that's what Mums do. And if she didn't have needs she would be looking after me, not making me sicker, coz that's what children gladly do for their mothers. That's what families do, they love and support each other.
No love in the world can pay for transport and care and extra needs and therapy. No love in the world can get me out of the serious fucking debt I will be in now.
Come what may we will get her through the BTEC somehow, even if it kills me.
We are not in a good place right now. Only fear of hell is keeping us here

Happy (belated) birthday


Happy belated birthday. I hope you enjoy <3 x


Thank you for your prompt. I have so so enjoyed writing from Hathaway's pov again :)


I need help regarding my fic Poisoned Minds. I'm struggling with mental spoons, as you guys know, and may need DMCA take down notices done for me, or an explanation on what the hell this search has shown, so many businesses have my fic and quotes from it in the search...


From the sixth item, goes on for pages, with one site actually selling my work.

Help help help

moth2fic you might know what is going on with these businesses

owlbsurfinbird you were so kind to help me a few years ago

Is this why Poisoned Minds has 3 times the hits as everything else - it is often being stolen by bots and/or being used to mask dodgy stuff? Frankly, I'm scared

And I'm only on here, doing crazy searches in the early hours as I am frozen, pertrified, in a shut down, depressed, terrified, as I have been too brain foggy to do anything for my ESA reassessment, I am too brain foggy and prone to aggressive symptoms of seizures and panic to explain how ill I am to some CAB volunteer in just two hours to do the form and I am so so scared I will be taken out of the support group, and of course, I can't even attend interviews and courses and look for work, even for a week, let alone the months an appeal will take, so I will be sanctioned every week til I have zero income, lose housing benefit, lose the house, and end up on the streets with my daughter, like so many other chronically ill and disabled people are doing, especially in Oxford, or if I wasn't so scared of hell, I might kill myself asd 10,00s have since 2010 - or starve literally to death, unable to move on the streets of Oxford...

So much for distraction! Even in fan fiction there is no security and justice!
For all you guys who missed my presence - I'm off line trying to detox my mind and body to have mental, emotional and physical spoons to cope with the changes to Oxfordshire Social Care which will see them taking my entire DLA out of my account to put back in another account I can only access to pay for care I have been unable to find enough off and appropriate enough to risk all the money to pay for gluten free, dairy free, nut free, coconut free, additive, artificial sweetener and stevia free easy food and ready meals and takeaways, allergy safe cleaning products, disposable wipes and plates and cutlery when really, unimaginably bad, plus all the embarrassing incontinence stuff and other unquantifiable costs when every day to day living activity comes at cost and pain and exhaustion; another incapacity assessement with the DWP over my ESA to keep me in the support group while my own GP is still on maternity leave (the one I just spoke to was a cow and wanted to write about anxiety - I'm justifiable anxious, but I also can lie for up to 3 hours waiting to be able to move to do a wee, or I have an accident and lie in it, and I dream, of being able to brush my teeth daily, and I'm lucky to bath every other week and wash my hair once a month); plus still waiting for the mandatory reassessment on BK's PIP; the huge debt I'm in plus being a supportive mummy for BK as she begins this BTEC in performing arts and magicking magic money to pay for all the support she will need that the PIP should pay for (her entire left arm is a overlapping pattern of score marks due to the self harm following the loss of her PIP and means to pay her therapist, still, could be worse, she could be classically head banging, and after 3 TBIs causing the vertigo and balance issues, that doesn't bear thinking about!). If I get taken out of the support group we are screwed, probably homeless, possibly dead. It is happening to far too many people in Oxford anyway.

I won't give IDS and his successors the satisfaction, although quite frankly, I wish I was dead. But that's the thing about severe ME isn't it, it leaves you in the situation people with AIDS, cancer, MS, Parkinsons etc are at the end of their lives day in day out - so said many a scientist who researches the little understood hell my body has.

Anyway, missing from here, dealing with shit, not dead, not suicidal, wishing for an end of live with a nasty illness is not the same as suicidal.

Cards in snailmail appreiciated


Just a thought, but a clever woman, who avoids being executed for 1001 nights by talking, by telling stores, by talking science and medicine and philosophy, but always halts before the end to avoid being executed!
Who thinks they can always talk themselves out of any situation?
Who can not only talk the hind legs of a donkey, but persuade it to get up, arm itself and die defending everyone else from invading Daleks?
The Doctor.
Now we know :p
Just a thought...

Poisoned Minds

OMG! it's finished! I never thought I would do it. Can cross that off my bucket list. al-humduillah :)

Title: Poisoned Minds
Fandom: Lewis
Pairing: Hathaway/Lewis
Rating: teen, PG-13, YA
Warnings: canon type scene of crime descriptions, post-mortem descriptions, descriptions of dead bodies, drug-taking, drug-taking of canon character, references to childhood sexual abuse and child trafficking, all in canon type ways.
Summary: Lewis comes back from leave when he and James Hathaway are almost immediately called to a body. There he meets the wrath of Hobson, as for her this is her 21st victim and not the first, as Innocent supposes...
Who is cutting Oxford's underworld of heroin with an unknown substance? And for what reason? Can Lewis and Hathaway penetrate the murky, sad, desperate world of drug addiction and hopelessness to find what and who is killing off Oxford's addicts, including the Balliol student, son of an US Congressman?
Meanwhile, will Robbie and James' new relationship survive their living so closely and intimately in so squalid a room while undercover?





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