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A little Doctor Who feminist rant!

Look, I am excited about Jodie Whittaker and there is nothing like a few on-line rape and death threats to make you dump your bio-techno SF reservations on the mechanics of gender swap regeneration and your concerns for real trans children and teens with the way it will be dealt with, but it isn't a female Doctor we need. Okay, across countless platforms and 55 years (the book series are not mentioned here but I can only think of 3 female writers off the top my head across Target, Virgin and BBC) I can count on the fingers of one hand the female writers. Where are all the women writers?! I came yey close twice to being published, how many more of us also didn't smash our way through the DW low glass ceiling for writers?


Happy Birthday!

To the wonderful toomerrymaiden - I hope you have a fabulous day doing things you love, surrounded by people who love you, and eating lots of cake x

Belated Happy and Love!

A belated Happy Christmas (or holidays or Hanukkah or whatever it is you say or celebrate, we say Christmas in the Uk, people or all minority religions, of which Christians are the biggest, as most in this godless country are agnostics or atheists or haven't really thought about it at all... but Happy Christmas can offend some of my American friends so...)

I hope you all had a wonderful time celebrating with family and friends and will have a wonderful time partying or whatever you do to welcome the new year, and 2018 is kind to you and kind to us all.

I am poorly, and lack brain spoons and stumble about in a brain fog whilst suffering horrendous fatigue and pain you cannot imagine in every bit of me (I believe me earlobes are pain free! ;) )

That said, Christmas was peaceful. BK had the day off work and we slept til one, opened our pressies from Santa and family, then slowly, together, made the 'nut' loaf and got all the veggies and trimmings on at the right time, just in time to sit down in my bed to watch Dr Who with Christmas dinner. We crashed out after Call the Midwife... So when people say, how was your Christmas, I say quiet, but lovely. Which is true :)

Last night of the Nutcracker and the Mouse King tonight, and BK is at the wrap party, but leaving early as I need antibiotics and the earliest I could see an out of hours GP was at 9.15 (I phoned 111 at 5!) and there are no wheelchair taxis and no buses after 10 unless you walk 3 miles to Abingdon town centre and get the bus to Oxford and then the train back to Didcot... (Because to some civil servant it made sense to close Didcot out of hours and then build 4000+ new houses and make it a Garden Town...!)

Anyway, it is probably a urine infection, but I've had them go to my kidneys, I'm in agony on top of the neuro pains and muscle spasms and aches everywhere and I don't want to end up weeing blood before my own GPs are open on Tuesday!

Enough of me!

A (belated) Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to my flist <3


Having a bad day, a really bad day...

From my facebook coz I'm too tired...

You know how badly you've been coping and how pathetic you are when you finally have spoons to sort out kitchen cupboards and sit sobbing on floor when you finally realise that the collection of irreplaceable ice cream tubs you up-cycled and used for storage containers for 17 years have slowly been thrown away by your carer/cleaner and it has taken you months to realise. I had 20+ and now only 3. Every time a meal I froze was defrosted and eaten they must have been thrown away not washed up. I'm so stupid not to have thought to tell her. 2 weeks ago I started checking the rubbish but too late. Much too late. A sign I suppose. What makes me think I'm ever going to be well enough to cook from scratch and meal plan again. Might have well give up and carrying on eating the shit that is making me even worse

Really knocked me. I had 4 clear days with [BK] working almost full time to try to get back to coping and pacing and meal planning and cooking. But still sobbing and so depressed. Such a sign of the deterioration in my memory and communication and observation and IQ loss. I neither noticed their slow disappearance nor thought to explain they were never rubbish. I know they are just bits of plastic but they were important to us. A history of cooking and family and the small company's designs too.

Can I just say once I had a photographic memory, super organisation skills and an IQ well over 150. I sometimes think I've lost more than I ever knew. For a long time I coped beyond expectation with increasing disability and exhaustion and pain and an unsupported and many years undiagnosed autistic daughter with ADHD. I seriously think only [] knows what I've lost in my mind.

Numb with grief now, tears dry, shut down half done but I have no one to talk to so that doesn't matter. Soup decided on using veg in fridge. Banana and cup of tea. Will take long time to recover from loss of both containers and their history and a new light on the loss of my mental reasoning

So self-piteous I hate myself! But there you go... Apologises for all you lovely people who got back to me on LJ on my last entry. I feel so drained and depressed and the pain levels have been off the scale - combination of not enough or the right support in the home and a daughter falling apart at the seams at home but trying to keep it together in her theatre classes and part time jobs. the meltdowns, the teenager strops, the constant chatter or the constant being ignored really robs all my mental and emotional spoons. to every person who told me when she was small it will get better - YOU WERE WRONG!!! An ADHD toddler with autism steals physical and mental spoons but not emotional ones and certainly not hope...

You know what is crazy - I struggle to meal plan and forget how to make a cup of tea, sound vibrations trigger seizures, lifting a few bits of washing up of rubbish leaves me indescribably exhausted or in pain, I feel almost suicidal for a few moments after some of my daughter's female teen plus autism hate you rants, but, as long as I'm well enough to write, I can (mostly) carry a complex two AU temporal all over the place, fic... or maybe not, as I've not written Crossing china for days and the last chapter of Poisoned Minds awaits.

Can someone talk fannish stuff to me, or foody stuff, or tell me what they think of my writing - someone distract me, please...?

Falling apart at the seams

Writing was keeping me sane. I have no mental or emotional spoons left.

I am burning myself up with anger, fear, loneliness and pain. The stress of looking after my daughter, her meltdowns, her physical needs and her normal teenager stuff is draining me so much, on top of the constant fear - what happens when I'm transferred to PIP for DLA. I have lost the capacity to cook, meal plan or budget, and my daughter just burns my overdraft on Amazon as I trusted her with my bank stuff when i was recovering from the flu and having several seizures a day (which seems to be when I lost most of my flist on LJ and my few remaining RL ones...)

Everything has come undone. I'm further on the spectrum than my daughter now, or worse at keeping the flaps and ticks and meltdowns and shutdowns at bay. but no diagnosis, as to do that you go private and out of the county, as their is no budget and no staff. no support for the seizures as they are not epilepsy or stroke, so out of the neurology budget, but not functional as a result of child hood abuse, so not in the remit of psychiatry. they are severe ME/CFS, yes we will acknowledge it causes these symptoms and not in your head, but there is nowhere to go. Drugs for neuro pain and seizures react badly with ME. As does pain relief. I have a care package, £72 a week, and interviewed people, some who seemed promising, but like last time, obviously taking the piss. Agencies come expensive and are no help at all. And it's - you don't need the help coz I can't find it so they want the money back, despite taking £25 of me a month to pay for my 'care' so it goes from one account I can access for everything to another to which I can only use to pay for housework and washing that no one wants to do for £10 an hour all due to the fact my DLA was raised £1 a week... I have a cleaner who is lovely but possibly the most daft and silly person (I don't want to say stupid, as she cleans well) but can't understand instructions that are repeated - I am in the middle of sorting that, leave the piles as they are... don't throw away cardboard or paper if it has something written on it (the Microsoft details of BK's new laptop has gone, and in getting it fixed under guarantee, they locked her out of her documents and I have to pay a hundred bloody quid and she hates me). At least my kitchen and bathroom are clean and not gonna grow germs :)

God, I am such a lonely, pathetic individual, alone and lonely, sick, and all the social skills and all the work in therapy I did, all that hard work in the 90s to deal with a NT world and recover from serious sexual abuse has all come undone and I'm bonkers, totally bonkers.

I just want a hug, but I'm touch phobic due to the abuse and it hurts due to the ME and there is no one out there to hug me anyway and I'm so tired. You know what, this govt are cowards, don't just cut their care and benefits and charities and agencies and care and just round us up and gas us. I'm so fed up with left wing friends on Facebook sharing stuff about Trump and ignoring the systematic and grave (UN words) abuse of human rights of disabled people or European citizens and immigrants or children or grandchildren in their own country!

My phone screen broke. BK tried to fix it. She couldn't. We found one on ebay but it doesn't have internet any more. I can't do touch screens due to spasms and tremors. anyone recommend a keypad internet phone - doesn't have to be smart, getting me on fb and lj and my emails will do!

Moan over... sorry...

Doctor Who Novel


BK really bullied me into this as I still felt it was too adult and too close to political reality to be published. but you know, email makes submissions and rejections happen over days rather than weeks. Not like the first time I tried to get published back in the 80s :)

BBC Books do not take unsolicited submissions to the New Series Adventures and have no plans to shunt the War Doctor to Twelve over to the Classic range and so aren't looking for Ten mss. Classic Series is always happy to look at unsolicited submissions, so please try, as 'you have a genuine talent'.

Big Finish rarely take unsolicited and if they do, they prefer them as audio scripts not story lines and they only do 3 Ten plays a year.

I don't have the spoons for a slog, although I have the notes from two I wrote with a friend and got as far as talking to Virgin back in the 1990s before the BBC released the Doctor Who Movie and cancelled their licence, but I have a horrible feeling that there was a verbal agreement to her keeping the copyright. Now, we lost contact and when I first started up on livejournal and facebook I found her and asked her a simple question, saying hi and asking if I was a reminder of a painful past I would not bother her again. Instead of saying yes, she marked me as spam everywhere (which, coming as it did with all the stress I was going though unsupported with BK, her father, and the education and social services) hit me really really hard and hurt like hell. But I have no way of asking her. At all :(

Still, not sure on the spoons, as writing that burned me out but it came form two sets of reoccurring dreams and I was running away from the fact that physically and mentally I am struggling with coping with day to day living, and scared for the future. I don't think I could just slog at something now. But it is worth knowing. Besides, I have Poisoned Minds to finish, and a chapter of Rare and Precious chain to write first. i thought I'd take a break from posting Lewis until after the Summer Challenge. Just look forward to reading others great works. the Lewis Challenges always give great fics :)


here is my (now) latest fan novel's first two chapters


Please, please, do let me know what you think. Or comment anyway. Words cannot express the loneliness and isolation I am feeling. For example, my daughter and I posted an appeal for help getting us some food yesterday, and on both our walls, did one person we know locally respond to say no, we can't, sorry to hear you're both ill. So, we both didn't eat. no physical or mental spoons, ME and vertigo and autism and scary neighbours draining even more spoons meant we couldn't either of us cope with the simplistic thing. We've run out of prescription bread and can't afford to buy any either, so we couldn't do the simplest thing non coeliacs can do...

(BK has gone to my Mums today for 3 days and my Mum let me with some easy meals to microwave)

Sorry for sounding pathetic. But comment anything, tell me about your life, your studies, your job, your summer/winter... Anything! Anyone still out there?

So so proud

I am so so proud of my daughter this year. Yes, she is still struggling with the perceptions difficulties, headaches and vertigo. She also suffers with all sorts of pain and injury due to the hyper mobility. But she has learnt to pace herslef and accept her limitations at such a young age. and more. so much more.

As you know, home education was not a choice, as such, but a necessity. It was about her learning to cope with life and hold down a job more than coming out of school with qualifications but as mad as a box of frogs on top of high functioning autism, ADHD and dyslexia. and that was before she fell down the stairs and we got caught up in first the nightmare of the false accusations of the social services making it hard for doctors to listen to us and then the terrible gap between adult and child neurology and ENT.

This academic year BK has
Been in a musical, a film, a radio play, interviewed on the radio about autism as well as her theatre showcase from the Arts Centre class she attends.
-She has had a Christmas job as a photographer's assistant, who was really impressed with her and was going to offer her an apprenticeship until her baby got sick and we haven't heard from her since.
-Held down a zero hours contract kind of job for over a year now, working for another disabled home eduction mum, looking after and helping teach the two little ones, especially on trips out to London and local functions.
-For Gobo theatre, not only has she been in the musical robyn Hood and dealt with a bitchy prima donna who waltzed in and took the lead role from her, she has
helped teach the little ones
helped choreograph the dances
made the props - swords and daggers, battle axes, scabbards, a split arrow by another arrow
helped make scenery
helped make and supervise the little ones make their costumes
made her own costumes, stubbornly ignoring the director and researching medieval costume to make a dress that split open to reveal the dream like tatter skirt that she also made. (I am trying to get pictures from her to share on LJ
-For Stagecoach, learnt stage management and lighting, has job as sick cover for teaching assistant, will be doing summer school teaching assistant job next in two weeks.
-has a job as a teaching assistant at the local Arts Centre. She choreographed a fight scene with the little ones that the teacher is really impressed with
-At her showcase, 2 girls dropped out 2 weeks to go so BK
re-wrote a play, adapting it for 3 parts rather than 2 and had to merge her role with another and learn the lines in 2 weeks
take on 2 more roles, scenes from Blood Brothers and Charley's Aunt. she had to have the script on stage with one and the other she essentially learnt the line back stage then went on and delivered it with conviction.
-Has a job from two weeks ago at the Arts Centre cafe, she has barrista skills and has just worked flat out 4 days in a row with no breaks at the Beer and Music festival.

I am so proud of her. I wanted to share the joy of it with my flist who have been so supportive through the home ed, which still officially continues for another year or two.
Sorry guys, will answer your comments. Just so tired and ill. Rape threats now. Been a Doctor Who fan all my life. Before I had faith in God I had the Doctor. He and the show got me through the abuse, which was from about 2 til 9, then the other lot from 13 to 16. And the VNAs kept me sane thru the domestic violence. I'm happy to respect anyone who is not happy with a female Doctor for SF, history or whatever. I thought I was in an intelligent community. But some real women hating posts and memes have appeared. Should never have objected. Should have left the group immediately. Thanks everyone for your thoughts xx
Early today something triggered flashbacks to my childhood sexual abuse from my early childhood. Then some silly doctor who fanboys started posting sexist shit in a group I'm in and I tried to take them on. Then the alt right US fanboys came on line and their bullying and their words triggered me back to my husband. Bad night. Shaking not due to neurological ill health. Anyone around for a chat?

brief good news update

Finally answers from neurology. BK's head injury led to post concussion syndrome which she would have recovered from if she didn't get labrynitis again so the brain decided in its adled state that the symptoms were the new normal and they stayed after the virus left. Case of A leading to B plus C equalled XYZ rather than ABC. She has an 8 week course of therapy which MAY help starting in October.



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