asparagusmama (asparagusmama) wrote,

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mad, lonely rant

I think I'm just totally exhausted but I keep doing random things and can't keep hold of serious thoughts which is mega worrying because over the next three weeks I have
The TAC meeting and if I'm not together them maybe social services won't back off or give the right support, i.e. acknowledge i'm physicaly ill and disabled and my daughter has autism diagnosed by the NHS
Three visits for my daughter to the secondary school

A stupid meeting with the benefits to discuss how work focused I am. I'm trying to be focused enough to cook and not eat crap and get us washed and dressed and brushed teeth and failing at that. I have no idea how I will get my daughter back into school. Work? Don't they think I wish  to God I was well enough to work? And have a social life. Friends. To have my daughter able to know how to wash and dress her self properly and to sleep, God, to sleep in her own room like a normal child. To be clean, dressed properly, fed properly so my IBS isn't so bad, making my ME worse and  I think I've been ingesting small amounts of gluten enough to make me crazy which makes me more exhausted So I'm too mentally and physically exhausted too cook and around it goes...And if they cut my benefits and I can't afford extras like takeaways, ready meals and taxis Sofie will probably kill me
She nearly did Monday when I had a temperature of 39. Carer! Don't make me laugh. One day I will have  a stroke or heart attack from pushing myself so much to care for her and she will just shout at me and hit me because I'm not behaving the way I'm supposed to and I will be dead... providing her needs are met when she returns to school and she doesn't batter me to death with my own walking stick or crutches or a coffee table becasue she's been so over stimulated and confused and scared all day by school...
Why did I post the fiction I made up for my daughter? Why did I post the mature stuff? Why did I write it down? All it did was high light to myself I'm not such an assexual being as I kid myself and make this is lonely celibate life harder to bear, which is probably why I went totally bonkers and contacted my ex and caused all kinds of trouble for myself. Obviously nobody at all, ever, is better than a man who sexually, physically, emotionally and metally abuses you, but I've been on my own 11 years and celibate for 12 and a half, as he went off me the minute I was pregnant, all that weight gain, didn't look like a gay boy any more, but a woman (at least, that's mum's theory). I don't think anyone likes the fiction much. They must think I'm as mad as I seem to be going...
Am I mad? Or is it just sleep deprivation, accidental gluten, the enforced company, 24/7 of an autistic pre teen girl, exhaustion, pain, dear God the pain, I've not been this bad since the early nineties, when it was the cancer,and there's me refusng the biopsy and endoscope for 6 months because I can't take time out of caring for my daughter and sorting out her support... Who will look after her if I've gone?

The worse thing is I seem to be struggling with my faith since November, since the social services wrote a pack of lies on some notes written in 1991-3 whcih were wrong and inaccurate and even if they weren't how are they relevent to 2011? They act as if the diagnosis was in my head and I didn't have a thing wrong physically, even presented with evidence they didn't back off but stuck to their plan even though returning my daugher to school for one afternoon a week was harmful and even when they acknowledged that and back off and start seeing us for waht we really are do they apologise? No. In the meantime, while they are not understanding that seeing a counsellor for child hood abuse in the early nineties does not make you mad they let a child in Manchester die becaue three social worklers fail to spot and open fire, a dead drunk mother and a toddler as a potential risk. I despair of my country and its knee jerk, tick box attitude run by the Daily Mail. a girl died and she was home schooled therefore home schooling = abuse! If you ask me, ignoring the needs of an autistic child in the classroom becasue she's internalizing the anxiety and confusion so doesn't disrupt your class is child abuse.
Side tracked. Faith. Know God is there. Can pray for friends, but can't seem to pray for myself, feel like God must hate me. Punish me. No-one phones, no-one seems to care, and that's Muslims and Christians both, and the Bible and the Qu'ran tell you to care for the fatherless, the crippled, the dispossessed, not ignore or gossip about or judge harshly...

But it's so easy, isn't it? To ignore things we don't understand? ME. Autism. Social Isolation. Easier to decide people are scroungers or exaggerating and cut their benefits, cut the funding to the various support groups and charities, little that there is...

Funny, I always thought 'there but the grace of God go I..' and I hate myself for whining, there are people in far worse situations, but I'm

Tags: autism, disability rights, lewis/hathaway, not sleeping
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