BK to sleep tonight
BK to give me some space
Energy to cook 3 proper low fat, low GI gf/df meals a day, everyday
Energy to brush teeth, wash, put on face cream and deo and dress everyday
To wash, brush teeth and put on face cream and pyjamams every bedtime
To supervise BK the above two the same (minus face cream)
To de-clutter house and get BK's stuff easily labelled so carers can put things away without her getting anxious and shouty (at me)
To catch up with my paperwork
To write all the case fics from the oral stories of 2010
To write the crackfic crossover stories from BK's illness and hospital visits this year
To stop being so oversensitive to noise and EM fields and not have grand mal seizures
To not need to collapse after loading dishwasher and wiping surfaces in kitchen
To not shake
To not have my muscles, including heart on ones around eyes, vibrate
To not have burning nerve pain
To not have muscle pain that feels like I've been beaten up
To have the strength to restrain BK so I don't get beaten up!
To be well enough to go to church
To be well enough and have time to meet friends for coffee
To have more friends
(small unobtainable dream) to be well enough to work a few hours a week on a check out in a supermarket to get out of house and away from being mum and carer and have a laugh with other people on my coffee breaks
(large unobtainable dream) to return to Oxford, do my PhD and teach and research and afford to send BK to the Unicorn and then to Headingdon School for girls
(another large unobtainable dream) to write professionally
For the neurotypical world and particularly the benefit system, state schooling and social services to have better understanding of the variety of autistic spectrum disorders and how it isn't just Rainman and boys!!!
For thier to be better understanding of ME/CFS too
To be well enough to see LF's gig and not act like a complete scardy cat and look like a dork (see previous rant today for details)
Finally, finally, to know that however awful that all this is, however much my faith and my ability to pray and meditate, and however hard I find it to pay for all I need to cope with BK and my illness leaves no money for charity anymore, and howver much I tend to forget these days how much worse many people are than me (selfish bitch that I am) that God is merciful, that He loves me, that I will get to paradise after all this.
Is all this too much to dream for?
(Don't want a debate on the likelihood of the last one - we all have our own beliefs and I respect everyone's as long as you don't want to push them on me or insult mine)