asparagusmama (asparagusmama) wrote,

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writing (or not writing) fics!

I've been trying to give myself the time, space and mental 'spoons' (energy) to write a bit. After all, after seeing the GP for myself and talking about counselling( long waiting list) or a very, very low dose of antidepressants (quarter dose, still couldn't cope due to ME/CFS!) I should do something for a little respite from the relentless 24/7 of Bk being ill, being at home, around, needing me, needing an education that is so damn exhausting and hard. You think she is okay, you think she is articulate and confident and coping and thn along comes the small things and you go, wow, she really is that far on the spectrum isn't she. and she's a teenager, nearly 15 and fond of shouting 'I'm 15 not 2' which shows I get the balance wrong in my own exhaustion - because like a 2 year old she needs that much support and prompting on all the little things. I try, I do, and then I forget 100% explicit directions. So, break, pen or keyboard and losing oneself in a (borrowed) world of my creation.

With each season my Alternate Universe that breaks away at the end of season 4 slides further and further through the multiverse. And that's okay. and you think that as BK loves it and it was originally created for her five years ago she would leave me to write but no, I get constant interruptions unlike a few years ago when I could leave her to a Barbie DVD and some art and plug myself into my music and type. Now I'm in th flow and thik she is watching something on iplayer or writing her own spies or vampires or whatever and wham, 'Muma!!!' and she is asking stuff, demanding stuff (sometimes falling over, walking into walls and furnture of puking, but I won't complian about that...)

I have rested my brain, I thought, I have given up formal classes with her and decluttering her stuff. I have made some spoons. But no...

Last week we had 10 days away (more in another entry) and in the caravan I wrote almost a chapter of Poisoned Minds in long hand and then, in Brighton for tha last 3 days away, wrote the hook for the next chapter but one. In my head yesterday I had the beginning for the one in the middle fo these 2 but didn't have time to write it down and now it has been deleted by parenting stuff!

Space, space, that it what I need, and time. Tuesday I banged out 1000 almost of the fairy fic, to keep my hand in as it were, Poisoned Minds tonight, I thought, but BK wrote a piece and for most of the time she was at her drama I was editing the doc she emailed to me with red punctuation, capitals, spelling and suggestions (you could call it marking, we don't). With that a making supper and hanging washing, whumph, my 2 hour respite was gone.

Yesterday, coffee alone in Wallingford before weeks shop at Waitrose. Cool. Poisoned Minds. But Take 2 trucks are there filming a Christmas special with Harry Hill and Take " are Lewis' production company and after one painful sentence I can't do it, ir feels awful and scary, playing with their toys while they are literally metres away!!!! (btw, money situation so poor after improntu hol, after trip to bank, no shopping at all, living of freezer and tins left!)

Today, 1000 words on fairy fic, check out my friends here, eyes and brain hurts, want to comment more, want to read your entries, but I am so tired and fuzzy now with brain fog, I am writing this and scared to start on Poisoned Minds, even though I am now finishing it in long hand with my bloved Shaeffaer fountain pen until it is done, and then I will type and post chapters as they are typed.

The thing is, Posioned Minds has received literally over 4000 hits since I last posted a chapter and that many people waiting is scary. unless 4000 people hit on it and hated it. But why? Why so many if they are not reading all 15 chapters? Confused. And scared. And feeling pressured to finish. Of course, when I started, I had every intention of getting at least 2 chapters out a month, if not more, and with the amount of time I had free, and the stress-free time, that was doable. I didn't know how seriously ill my daughter would get, how much physical care she would need, how much emotional support, how little time alone I would get as until recently with these new drugs, she couldn't make it to drama, and was going to one in every four of her tutorials and when she tried to go back to activities and classes I had to/have to travel with her in case she falls/collapses/blacks out. It is so scary for us and nothing I would like better is to escape from the reality of how seriously ill she is for a while in a fic she would later love to read. But I stupidly have a neurological illness of my own that makes every damn thing exhausting, from brushing my teeth to hugging my daughter, leaving me nothing, no energy to watch TV, read, or write. So, if you are one of the guys waiting for another chapter of Poisoned Minds, I am so sorry. i so want to write ti, but life is exhausting and hard and my daughter comes first, even without a break, I become a horrible grumpy asparagusmama with her :(
Tags: daughter, fics, me/cfs, writing
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