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Merry Christmas!

Or a joyous and happy holiday, whatever you celebrate (bit late now for Solstice, I know, sorry!)

Sorry to all my friends whose messages and comments I still seem to be ignoring. And those of you who are going through equally or worst tough time than me. I wish I could be adding my support in comments. You are all in my thoughts, I promise.

BK is continuing to deteriorate. A couple of weeks ago the GP said she had heard from the PA that the consultatnt might be back part time after Christmas and there was her and one other person in Oxfordshire that needed to see him rather than another consultant or registrar and she would get back to her before Christmas about if he was, and if not, she had permission to re-refer BK to Reading of London (quite easy by train to get to) but instead we've recieved an appointment in someone else's clinic in MARCH!!! I've spend the last  few hours, on and off, trying to get through to the health centre to ask for the GP to call me to discuss this. As that is just not good enough. BK will have been ill for a whole year in another month :(

She also is struggling now with depression, which most of the time is hell. She keeps thinking what she was doing last year this time, and how she was so fit and well (starring in a Christmas show, mucking about with frineds at all her classes and clubs end of term/Christmas things, etc). she can't feel Christmassy at all. and to the answer to what do you want for Christmas, is just, 'be well'. I feel so powerless.

I've also stupidly run out of money and can't afford her big presents which she is beiing so mature about it makes me feel worse than ever. Shopping was a nightmare, I've had to do it all without BK or my Mum's help, which might be why I went over budget. On Friday, after the last minute stuff, I had £291 in my bank and £1.77 in my purse which I gave to the Salvation Army who were playing carols outside the supoermarket (as some people have absolutely notihing this Christmas! But the upshot is there is nothing at all for emergencies until 30th December, which is when the DLA and ESA goes in. Stupid me! :(

This will be our fourth Christmas alone, just the two of us, since my grandparents collapsed and my granny had cancer and my Mum needed them to stay over. This year she is so stressed by it all, my Grandad grows more obstreporous and my Granny, who is completely brain damaged, has no short term memory and needs constant supervision, is so draining for both of them. My Grandad will be 90 next year. In a way I wish he would die, but only if my Granny goes first, as there is no way my Mum can look after her full time. Horrible person, aren't I? He moans he doesn't see me, but if he died and I never saw him again I wouldn't feel guilty. I'm a complete cow and this isn't exactly a Christmassy psot after all is it? But, he is the one that, you know, so, maybe I'm justified. he also wrote this emotional letter to me last Christmas about how he wanted to see me more and how he wanted to see me married and how 'you hang araound churches, you'll find a nice man there'. Like I want a husband! Or  awife! Where would I get the energy from for another relationshop. If I even had a sexuality at all... (I've not even been to church all this year, it will be a whole year when it's Midnight Mass, so exhausted to get out on a Sunday morning...

We've moved downstairs again, after actually sleeping properly upstairs for ages, but my energy levels are so low and this way I can cope better with cooking and chasing after all BK's loombands, and well, that's it, apart from a bit of knitting - all artwork, wrriting and most reading have now ceased as well as project work due to lack of concentration due to the constant vertigo, headaches and nausea. I'm so grateful to her therapist getting her into the loombandfs craze. I will try to take some pics of some her creations in the new year, they are awesome :)

So, w have two plus weeks ahead of being in doors, and hoping and praying that with rest that BK will be well enough to start seeing her tutor and get to all her classes in January. Maybe she'll just wake up and it will have gone, a weird, mysterious illness that lasted 12 months and vanished like it came. We have to hope don't we :)

Anyway, wishes all my friends and their family and freinds a very lovely time this Christmas xxxxx


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 22nd, 2014 03:31 pm (UTC)
I wish I could offer more support.
Your emotions are what they are and being honest about the way you feel doesn't make them wrong.
When it is cold like this it makes a lot of sense to snuggle up in one room anyway. At least at this time of year there is more on TV, if you are able to watch it, and it can be great to see old films which you probably would not actually buy as DVDs. Or if concentration is poor then a repeat can be half watched/listened to without missing vital information, like how Mary Poppins et al end up on a merry-go-round!
Why don't you give BK a couple of IOUs for fun things to redeem when you both feel up to it ? E.g.a hot chocolate somewhere she likes, a bath with more bubbles than water, a whole day when she can call you the silliest name she can think of, a daisy chain in summer, two embarrassing things you've never told her/anyone, painting her nails lots of colours. Gives you something to talk about on Christmas Day.
Dec. 22nd, 2014 04:49 pm (UTC)
merry xmas back at ya!

I do hope you stay warm and safe and that 2015 is...Better.

Dec. 22nd, 2014 08:31 pm (UTC)
I like this letter from Stephen Fry on depression (there's some controversy about how it found its way to the internet, but I found it helpful): http://xchingx.deviantart.com/art/My-letter-from-Stephen-Fry-93510114

Lots of snuggling on the couch will help you and BK feel better. And flowerpot's ideas were delightful.

I'd add: make a time capsule. Put your thoughts, drawings, ticket stubs, a loombanz project, what have you. Put it in a sealed box or old jar to open a few years from now. Stick it in a closet. It's a cheap project and allows you to focus on the positive, thinking how different/better life will be in the future. Kind of like a fairy wishing jar (which works too...)

Watch a funny, stupid movie. Or take a movie you know by heart (like a Lewis episode) turn off the sound and add the dialog you think they should have said. Or snarky comments. (We did this for Expiation.)

TV and sleep, basically. Lots of snuggling.

This is a stupid question, but do you have a computer and internet access at home or do you have to travel to post and write? (Just wondering.)

Glad that BK has an engaging craft--please post pictures in the new year. Have you seen the stuff made with loombandz on ebay? Entire dresses! Saw a pair of gauntlets made with grey rings and small jewel beads--very gorgeous. Lot of kids wear them here. Maybe she could sell her stuff on ebay....

We're watching "Criminal Minds" to make ourselves feel better. ("At least we're not serial killers, Mom.") So, on that cheery holiday note, have a great new year and be happy you're not a serial killer...

Dec. 24th, 2014 12:10 pm (UTC)
*snuggles* Sweetheart, you are *not* a cow. Please don't call yourself names - you are a person, and you're an amazingly strong one even if there may be days when it's hard to remember. You have every reason to be upset with him and while I wished there was something to undo what happened then, there's absolutely no reason for you to play nice just because it's Christmas.

Make the day about BK and yourself. I quite agree that Flower's ideas sound wonderful. I do hope BK will feel a little better soon. But you (sadly) know how dreadful it gets when you remember the things you could do before you got sick. And it must be harder if it hits you younger yet and you don't know when/if things are going to get better. :( You are at all times in my thoughts and prayers.
And I know it's silly in the face of that. But have you two tried colouring mandalas and sticking them up as decorations? I saw some at my sister's when I went to visit her and they looked just lovely. - And I always find that colouring mandalas helps me focus on something nice to lose myself in. Maybe with music in the background? Or Lewis or Morse, perhaps?

Merry Christmas! *snuggles*
Dec. 24th, 2014 01:26 pm (UTC)
Sorry things have been so draining and stressful for you.

Wishing you and BK joy and peace at Christmas, and a brighter 2015.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )



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