asparagusmama (asparagusmama) wrote,

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Merry Christmas!

Or a joyous and happy holiday, whatever you celebrate (bit late now for Solstice, I know, sorry!)

Sorry to all my friends whose messages and comments I still seem to be ignoring. And those of you who are going through equally or worst tough time than me. I wish I could be adding my support in comments. You are all in my thoughts, I promise.

BK is continuing to deteriorate. A couple of weeks ago the GP said she had heard from the PA that the consultatnt might be back part time after Christmas and there was her and one other person in Oxfordshire that needed to see him rather than another consultant or registrar and she would get back to her before Christmas about if he was, and if not, she had permission to re-refer BK to Reading of London (quite easy by train to get to) but instead we've recieved an appointment in someone else's clinic in MARCH!!! I've spend the last  few hours, on and off, trying to get through to the health centre to ask for the GP to call me to discuss this. As that is just not good enough. BK will have been ill for a whole year in another month :(

She also is struggling now with depression, which most of the time is hell. She keeps thinking what she was doing last year this time, and how she was so fit and well (starring in a Christmas show, mucking about with frineds at all her classes and clubs end of term/Christmas things, etc). she can't feel Christmassy at all. and to the answer to what do you want for Christmas, is just, 'be well'. I feel so powerless.

I've also stupidly run out of money and can't afford her big presents which she is beiing so mature about it makes me feel worse than ever. Shopping was a nightmare, I've had to do it all without BK or my Mum's help, which might be why I went over budget. On Friday, after the last minute stuff, I had £291 in my bank and £1.77 in my purse which I gave to the Salvation Army who were playing carols outside the supoermarket (as some people have absolutely notihing this Christmas! But the upshot is there is nothing at all for emergencies until 30th December, which is when the DLA and ESA goes in. Stupid me! :(

This will be our fourth Christmas alone, just the two of us, since my grandparents collapsed and my granny had cancer and my Mum needed them to stay over. This year she is so stressed by it all, my Grandad grows more obstreporous and my Granny, who is completely brain damaged, has no short term memory and needs constant supervision, is so draining for both of them. My Grandad will be 90 next year. In a way I wish he would die, but only if my Granny goes first, as there is no way my Mum can look after her full time. Horrible person, aren't I? He moans he doesn't see me, but if he died and I never saw him again I wouldn't feel guilty. I'm a complete cow and this isn't exactly a Christmassy psot after all is it? But, he is the one that, you know, so, maybe I'm justified. he also wrote this emotional letter to me last Christmas about how he wanted to see me more and how he wanted to see me married and how 'you hang araound churches, you'll find a nice man there'. Like I want a husband! Or  awife! Where would I get the energy from for another relationshop. If I even had a sexuality at all... (I've not even been to church all this year, it will be a whole year when it's Midnight Mass, so exhausted to get out on a Sunday morning...

We've moved downstairs again, after actually sleeping properly upstairs for ages, but my energy levels are so low and this way I can cope better with cooking and chasing after all BK's loombands, and well, that's it, apart from a bit of knitting - all artwork, wrriting and most reading have now ceased as well as project work due to lack of concentration due to the constant vertigo, headaches and nausea. I'm so grateful to her therapist getting her into the loombandfs craze. I will try to take some pics of some her creations in the new year, they are awesome :)

So, w have two plus weeks ahead of being in doors, and hoping and praying that with rest that BK will be well enough to start seeing her tutor and get to all her classes in January. Maybe she'll just wake up and it will have gone, a weird, mysterious illness that lasted 12 months and vanished like it came. We have to hope don't we :)

Anyway, wishes all my friends and their family and freinds a very lovely time this Christmas xxxxx
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