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Got letter from DWP literally out of blue. Work Capacity Form. Did one of those when transferred to ESA and put into support group with out Atos medical. Literally no support services in south oxfordshire left apart from CAB to help. On mental or emotional spoons left at all. Can't do f all most of time. Lie in bed waiting to go to loo or make tea etc. In on bus adventures only to prevent serious stage meltdowns due to state of house and body. Make me more physically ill though. They're gonna put in in work group aren't they and leave me to slowly starve or tip over the edge and kill myself. Wish I was dead. Really do. I'm no use to BK anymore. Seizure last night made things worse for her. Except she'll be homeless without me. So have to go on somehow. But after BK's PIP I've no fight left. Why don't they just gas us and be done with it. I've no doubt a nice referendum would give them the 'mandate' no problem. Daily Mail's full of lies, hate and blame of the sick and disabled already.

Also, on the subject, last 3 times I have gone out of the house I've been the victim of low level disabled hate. Teens finding wheelchairs funny. Drunks threatening to be sick on me. Drunken idiots at 4pm finding wheelchairs funny and demanding I explain myself. 2 mins after this lot harassed me they threw rubbish and larger over a woman in a hijab with a buggy. BK has spoken to police. Sign of the times sadly.

But, as for what the Commons chose to do yesterday, despite the Lord's attempt at protection with their rejected amendments, I am disgusted. "Freedom is like air. You only miss it when it's gone." So said a democracy campaigner from Tianamen Square over 25 years ago. We're currently breathing more CO2 than oxygen. Some of us more than others. How long til we all notice we're suffocating? Human rights can't be taken away as a bargaining chip. Words cannot express how disgusted and ashamed I am with my country right now.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 15th, 2017 08:25 pm (UTC)
It shames me to think how much you are suffering in this so called wonderful country of ours.
Always remember that you matter and that BK matters. You might feel that you don't matter to the right people, but you matter to US and you matter to her and that really matters.
Thinking of you x
Mar. 16th, 2017 12:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. I'm trying to not let it affect me, but I'd only just starting rebuilding my confidence after being assaulted back in July, when I was dragged out of my chair, my scarf ripped off and they stood over me shouting insults. I know I'm lucky and it could have been so much more worse.

In the meantime, the CAB have helped me fill in the form and I'm now struggling to gather as much evidence as I can in letters and care plans etc

It means so much to me that I have friends here that are thinking of me, it really does x
Mar. 15th, 2017 09:01 pm (UTC)
You matter to me, too. You are a great writer, a caring mother, a brave person... etc. etc. etc.

I'm also a proud European (see my post, too) and I will send all the virtual hugs you can handle ((((((((()))))))))

No idea what to do about the sleep, though.

Keep fighting - and remember that even when it doesn't seem that way we are actually about half the population or more.
Mar. 16th, 2017 12:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much xo

I got the CAB to help me fill in most of the form. It was exhausting and not as useful as if the old Carers support charity still had funding to do this kind of support. I'm now stuck being too exhausted to gather evidence. I'm seeing my GP tomorrow and I'm asking her to write a supporting letter to say I'm unable to go to a medical and I need a home visit.

Sleeplessness is a killer. BK is ill and also having flashbacks to the monster of her father when she was a toddler. I always knew it would happen, I just never imagined I'd be so rubbish at supporting her. She has insomnia which means I also don't sleep much. and for the past three weeks they are digging up the roads on our estate, so us crash at 5-7am and then the diggers wake me at 8am while BK could sleep through an earthquake once she finally crashes!!! If I wasn't in such debt I'd go to a premier inn for a couple of nights to sleep and be headache free.

We have no choice but to go on, do we?

On the subject of being a proud European, can I send you a couple of chapters of a Doctor who fan thing I'm working on when I'm well enough to write? If you know Doctor Who that is?
Mar. 16th, 2017 12:54 pm (UTC)
Yes, of course you can, and yes, I'm a Who fan.

Good luck sorting out the sleep - especially with the road works.
Mar. 16th, 2017 01:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you.

Sending them now. It's slash and political allegory. BK says James has hadn't Ten the angst baton, but I think he already had one of his own before I started writing him :)
Mar. 16th, 2017 01:21 pm (UTC)
Safely received and saved. Will have a look later - though it might have it wait till the weekend.
Mar. 16th, 2017 01:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)

*handed!!! Handed, not hadn't! Sorry for the typo!
Mar. 19th, 2017 10:34 am (UTC)
I am sad that you feel so low and sorry I didn't read this until today.
I think we should just hibernate in the winter as the last time I went out was mid-February to use a voucher we were given last year before it expired. All you can do is cuddle up under a duvet and let your body rest as much as possible, but it is incredibly frustrating and such an effort to even go to the loo.
I had fun and games changing from DLA to PIP but ATOS were surprisingly helpful and it is sorted now. But forms and ridiculous 26 minute phone calls to get them in the first place are exhausting. The letter that came said that my arms were fine and I could cook a meal if I had a perching stool -no mention of the fact that I rarely get downstairs and I made it clear my arms fatigue so much that I can't dry my hair and the form was written for me! No use appealing as they would only take off points elsewhere and I'm no worse off financially luckily, but it is galling to have some person with no medical qualifications spout such nonsense (the nurse who came was much more understanding).
Please stop reading the Daily Mail, it doesn't represent most of the country and you don't need its rubbish.
Rather than go out of the house and end up feeling worse, why don't you take some time out, maybe over Easter if BK's activities stop, stay home but treat every time you get out of bed for something other than necessities as a treat. Watch old films/favourite DVDs and things that make you laugh - try children's TV it made me smile to see Postman Pat randomly the other day.
At the moment it is easy to feel negative about changes, but any period of change is unsettling and human beings are not good with change, especially when they didn't want it. The trouble is that negotiations take time and you wouldn't go to your neighbour and offer them your door key without first outlining when they can use it. Doesn't mean it won't happen just people are worried about starting talks having already given everything away. Unfortunately, the whole thing just leaves so much uncertainty that everyone worries and some idiots do more than worry.
You matter to BK, your family and your friends.
Mar. 21st, 2017 09:08 pm (UTC)
It's okay, you only replied a couple of days longer than I posted it. It took me longer to reply. But we both so struggle with spoons!

I'm still waiting for my transfer to PIP, but this was a bolt out of the blue. I've just managed to get all the evidence and the completed form signed and set off today recorded delivery. Just have to wait now. And try not to stress. My DLA is for life, and was awarded about 10 years ago after it was took away and I had 14 months and two appeals, all because the assessor 'did not believe in ME'. I can understand why you don't want to fight. It's so hard. Especially if it won't make any difference to the money. I went through it all as we desperately needed it to fund all the support I had in place for BK, but it feels like a waste, as she'll be reassessed again soon and all the extra support were needing help to take meds, to eat, and to provide support helping plan a journey and cope with public transport, all of which are categories the govt dumped a fortnight ago.

I've never read the Daily Mail in my life, not even when doing Sociology of the Media or politics modules with assignments on representations of Islam in the media back at Brookes in the early 90s. I can't even bear to touch the hate filled rag! But I do have friends and friends of friends who have been refused PR when they have lived here for decades and have British spouses. I have also been told I belong in a camp and told that 'after they've dealt with the immigrants and the blank blank Muslim terrorists they are coming after blank scrounging cripples like me'. I'm also a political scientist who was leading seminars on Islam and democracy and arguing with Fukuyama's 'The End of History' back in the 90s predicting the kind of chaos if the west didn't support fledging democratic groups emerging in the Middle East and Magreb and instead support their dictators. the liberal Muslim groups were suppressed and the likes of the Taliban supported and the chickens came home to roost with no surprise to me. I've been seeing the way the wind has been blowing with the politicians and media for about 10 years, but still hoped. But all it took was some deliberate collaboration with the Leave campaign with the racist agenda and here we are, somewhere between stage 2 and 4 with the establishment of a fascist state (some aspects of 3 and 4 basically). I make connections historically and politically, that's the way my brain works, even when it lacks the spoons to communicate the connections it makes and it is terrifying. It's just the way my brain works. I hope I'm wrong. I wasn't about Islamic terrorism, or rather the perversion of Islam and Islamo-fascist ideology and death cults. But things are moving fast here and in the States. Sorry to rant :(

As for the economy, we had the best deal from the EU, better than any other State, and all the things we now object to were British ideas in the first place. Our ecomony will tank further, we've already gone from 5th to 7th largest economy. We'll rop out of the G8 at this rate. The pound is tanking and inflation rising. An we're not out yet. All will more cuts to the NHS, to care and support for the disabled an to welfare. The future is very bleak for a disabled, chronically ill single mother with an autistic, chronically ill daughter.Sorry, ranting again :(

Which is why I'm doing exactly as you say, burying my head in the sand in Doctor Who and My Little Pony, working my way through Elementary, Star Trek Voyager and Farscape box sets on Amazon and watching as much Stargate and Midsomer Murders as possible on TV while trying to cope with both mind an BK's deteriorating health! Today when I got out in the sunshine to go to the library and post office I just took the simple joy of seeing the blue sky and blossom and buds and listening the the birds sing :)
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