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Having a bad day, a really bad day...

From my facebook coz I'm too tired...

You know how badly you've been coping and how pathetic you are when you finally have spoons to sort out kitchen cupboards and sit sobbing on floor when you finally realise that the collection of irreplaceable ice cream tubs you up-cycled and used for storage containers for 17 years have slowly been thrown away by your carer/cleaner and it has taken you months to realise. I had 20+ and now only 3. Every time a meal I froze was defrosted and eaten they must have been thrown away not washed up. I'm so stupid not to have thought to tell her. 2 weeks ago I started checking the rubbish but too late. Much too late. A sign I suppose. What makes me think I'm ever going to be well enough to cook from scratch and meal plan again. Might have well give up and carrying on eating the shit that is making me even worse

Really knocked me. I had 4 clear days with [BK] working almost full time to try to get back to coping and pacing and meal planning and cooking. But still sobbing and so depressed. Such a sign of the deterioration in my memory and communication and observation and IQ loss. I neither noticed their slow disappearance nor thought to explain they were never rubbish. I know they are just bits of plastic but they were important to us. A history of cooking and family and the small company's designs too.

Can I just say once I had a photographic memory, super organisation skills and an IQ well over 150. I sometimes think I've lost more than I ever knew. For a long time I coped beyond expectation with increasing disability and exhaustion and pain and an unsupported and many years undiagnosed autistic daughter with ADHD. I seriously think only [] knows what I've lost in my mind.

Numb with grief now, tears dry, shut down half done but I have no one to talk to so that doesn't matter. Soup decided on using veg in fridge. Banana and cup of tea. Will take long time to recover from loss of both containers and their history and a new light on the loss of my mental reasoning

So self-piteous I hate myself! But there you go... Apologises for all you lovely people who got back to me on LJ on my last entry. I feel so drained and depressed and the pain levels have been off the scale - combination of not enough or the right support in the home and a daughter falling apart at the seams at home but trying to keep it together in her theatre classes and part time jobs. the meltdowns, the teenager strops, the constant chatter or the constant being ignored really robs all my mental and emotional spoons. to every person who told me when she was small it will get better - YOU WERE WRONG!!! An ADHD toddler with autism steals physical and mental spoons but not emotional ones and certainly not hope...

You know what is crazy - I struggle to meal plan and forget how to make a cup of tea, sound vibrations trigger seizures, lifting a few bits of washing up of rubbish leaves me indescribably exhausted or in pain, I feel almost suicidal for a few moments after some of my daughter's female teen plus autism hate you rants, but, as long as I'm well enough to write, I can (mostly) carry a complex two AU temporal all over the place, fic... or maybe not, as I've not written Crossing china for days and the last chapter of Poisoned Minds awaits.

Can someone talk fannish stuff to me, or foody stuff, or tell me what they think of my writing - someone distract me, please...?


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 7th, 2017 10:13 pm (UTC)
You haven’t lost IQ points, you’re just too tired to use them. Some days I forget words and can’t even face reading the paper, but others I can complete fiendish level Sudoku and I was on the winning team both times we played Scrabble on a family holiday (don’t say coincidence).

Look at your post - clearly written, coherent and well-phrased. And your stories are brilliant and complex and gripping.But when fatigue is overwhelming and everything seems such an effort, it is easy to forget that.

Honestly, although I get how you feel about them, the storage boxes can be replaced. They won’t be the same, but they will be new memories and experiences.

Daughters can be a great blessing, but they are also irrational, hormonal and emotional, especially as teenagers and when it’s the two of you home together it must be difficult not to push each other’s buttons. It does get easier, but not necessarily easy and it takes time to refine your relationship as they grow into adults. And we’re none of us perfect so you have to expect things to go wrong and fights and silences and wondering where you went wrong (nowhere, you’re just human). They put guilt and worry in when they remove the placenta, you know.

Something reminded me of the Boat Race earlier and a short fic about a pub quiz with Hooper, have you read it? No idea what it’s called or anything useful, I’m afraid.

🌷🌈 🍇 🏰 🎆 💜 🎶 - because some days I haven’t left the teenage me behind!

Oct. 18th, 2017 04:28 pm (UTC)
it doesn't feel like it :( I can write coherently, but forget what I have written immediately... and these days are getting few and far between again. Oh well, hopefully, things will improve a bit again, as they did for a while..

The thing about these particular ones, was they had the right shape and size to be able for me to easily decant stews, soups and curries into without spilling and contained two good portions, and stacked so well in my freezer, as well as stacked nicely to contain BK's bits and bobs until I was well enough to 'return things back to first base' as I call tidying up her millions of lipsticks, lip glosses and nail polishes, her pens and pencils and her sewing and crochet stuff that will left all over the floor in all four rooms of the house! And covered with stickers which was a history of meals going back to weaning. they are only irreplaceable because the bleeping company has added coconut to their dairy free ice cream! They were the ultimate hack when it came to freezing things with my tremors and shakes though. I've tried other shaped of containers recently, and no good.

At the moment I am swapping from brimming with pride and fighting to burst into painful tears as the exhaustion, stress and pain she copes with working causing her to be such a nasty bitch, triggering living with her Dad. They also remove the ability to put your own needs first at any time at birth too, don't they?

I've not come across that fic, it sounds good. I love Hooper. I noticed you read my Sebastian fic, I was surprised, as it was tagged Doctor Who ;) How do you think he chose, I wonder if it is the same as BK?
Oct. 19th, 2017 10:45 am (UTC)
Just a thought and feel free to ignore it if it’s not possible, but could BK have a tidy each day? Maybe at a set time or a set part of the house? In return you don’t nag or move her stuff unless it becomes a trip hazard. Then it’s not putting anyone’s needs first just common sense. She could label and decorate new boxes as you get them to encourage their use and start new memories.
Aah, the difficult transition from dependent to independent children - probably one of the longest projects you’ll ever undertake and definitely the most fraught!! Makes HS2 look like a picnic. Balancing your own needs with your child’s takes practice and negotiation. I favoured the long talk approach, but half the time I think it was boredom rather than my carefully considered points that won the day! And rewards - teenagers scoff but mine responded to star charts by competing which got results.
I read the Sebastian fic because it was linked to Poisoned Minds. Much as the DW fan says adventure, I think he would take the logical option and stay.
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